the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
