Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
