I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
