God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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