i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
