apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
