two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
