I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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