Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
