Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
