I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Michael Bay diarrhea
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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