An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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