I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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