proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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