coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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