So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
