my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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