so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
