and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
