My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
soo... how was my night?
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