I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Let's get the cat blown out
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
