Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just googled if crying burns calories
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
