***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
