I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
