Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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