man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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