Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
BRING THE BAGELS
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
