take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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