So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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