Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
