yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
