HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
