I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
