somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
