My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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