So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
