You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I need a beard to bite.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
