My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
