Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
