I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
