I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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