You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
