I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
