I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
