So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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