I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
