i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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