Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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