The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
