i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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